There are times in life when one wants to write something aimless. I’m not sure if this is aimless, but I’ll try to keep it simple and honest.
I want to talk about the biggest woe in my life currently – the fact that I’ve been single for 8 years. To some of you it may seem weird or downright unhealthy, for me it was a way to observe, grow and figure out what I wanted in life and to be able to be settled and confident enough to enter the daunting world of dating.
I thought I’d start 2018 on a note different from all other years – a year where I’d go for what I wanted – be it a thing, a job or a man! Why sit around waiting for a guy to approach me. Heck! I’ll approach him. I even joined a dating app, met some nice men on there and then, not so nice ones, but that’s a part of life. Good and bad, ugly and beautiful, light and dark – all goes hand in hand.
If I were to get into specifics then I came across some incredible men I really liked. Now before anyone says you can’t judge a person without knowing them, then I agree but I’m slightly more organic in my approach. I understand and work on vibes, on observations (especially people I see everyday) – like this absolutely amazing guy I had a crush on since October of last year, who happens to manage the cafe right next door. I asked him out to coffee, he couldn’t, he’s committed but I can’t say I didn’t try. I can only imagine on the surface though, how lucky his girl is.
Couple of other guys here and there but nothing concrete till I came across Mr. Green Eyes. Yes that’s what I’m going to call him from now on for all events and purposes lol!
My eyes just teared up thinking about him, but in a good way (I can be an emotional fool sometimes). I understand various human feelings like attraction, lust, infatuation etc., but I don’t understand what it is I feel about him or feel for him. He seems just right you know! Like close to being perfect. I’m going all out for this guy but so far, it’s been a rough road where I’ve only managed to stumble and fall in his eyes. Those amazing Green eyes!
My gut feeling has never been wrong and it’s been telling me not to let go. That he may be the one. Is that too much pressure on a guy – Hell yeah! I think so, but I can’t seem to understand what he wants or needs for me to tweak my approach or interactions with him.
The strange thing is that I’m a very private person when it comes to matters of the heart, but here I am baring my innermost thoughts and my soul for this one guy.
I think it’s come to a point where perhaps this guy – Good ‘ol Green eyes and all my friends think I’m desperate. But! My reasoning is – if we can go after the jobs we want, the pet we want, even the dessert we want with our whole heart, then what’s wrong with me going after and making efforts for this guy. I’m not desperate, I’m just waiting on answers and the second I get them – positive or negative, I’ll carry on with my life – with or without him.
Well, here I am sitting on my cool couch in a gorgeous store wearing a short dress and silver boots with stockings (don’t judge me on this, I am a lover of fashion lol) holding onto a fountain pen (yes this was originally written by hand) and putting down my thoughts on this paper.
I’ve also realised that I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy. The days of hurting myself internally are long gone. I only live for today and if I’m alive then look forward to seeing tomorrow.
What am I looking for would perhaps be my next question and answer – I’m looking to share my wonderful life, my happy times, my achievements with a nice partner. A solid rock of a man who takes everything in his stride just like I do, but if he were to falter then he can be sure of my presence and stability to see him through. Does a man like that exist?
I happen to think so. I’ll be sitting here I guess, waiting and watching with my fingers crossed and with an open heart – ready to receive!