So, the girl in silver boots – Who is she really?
Well that’s a question that I’ve pondered over a period and through the various phases of my life. I’ll try and answer it from a third person’s perspective. Easier that way!
For one, she’s tough! Not a girly girl and not a tom-boy! She’s soft-hearted but doesn’t melt easily and especially not over a fake show of emotions. She’s solid but hasn’t lost her ability to empathise. She’s very emotional, yet she tries to see through them. Tries hard not to let her emotions blind her in situations that need clarity and rational thinking. I could go on and on about her contradictions, end of the day – she’s just a girl trying to live her life in a not-so-easy world.
I don’t mean for things to sound dramatic or clichéd. I hate clichés! It’s me trying to figure myself out while I’m writing this at 9.30pm at my work place on a balmy night. There’s still much to learn and much to recognise about my abilities, qualities, strengths and weaknesses. Each day is a new learning experience. I surprise myself by a sound show of strength and shock myself by a horrifying display of anger – both during the length of the same day. Huh! Crazy right? Just to clarify before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I may be a borderline personality, or any other kind of personality written about in psychology books – I’m not or so I believe lol!
Much has been said and thought about me by people from near and far (I don’t mean distance here). That’s something which makes me very uncomfortable and sometimes extremely awkward in social settings. One of the reasons why I love my aloneness and my own company. Oh! I can be very annoying company for myself too. The constant obsessing over something or the other, the need for perfection even though I’m the farthest from being even close to perfect (I don’t think perfection exists though – just like heaven and hell – it’s just a qualitative word if I should say so).
That said, I do think a lot. Like I think so much and so deeply sometimes that it seems I’ve dug holes in my brain. The benefits of that is – things seep in faster but leave me with less brain space to utilise, hence ever so often, I distance myself from everything and just try to be – in the moment – no matter where I am. I am a work in progress, moving slowly, sometimes with a lot of confidence and sometimes with uncertainty.
I’m sure you all must be thinking – she can’t be all good. You’re right! I’m not. I can be a shark who bites peoples’ heads off, I can sink into a deep, dark well for months, I can lose my cool within seconds and my words can cut through a person like a razor-sharp knife. I’m sure I’ve burnt some people and made others bleed – but I am also the first one to apologise and make amends if possible. Certain situations trigger the worst in me, while some bring out the very best. I’m working on my problem areas.
Coming back to the third person perspective, the girl in silver boots is savvy, interesting, full of sarcasm and witty. She loves to work hard or hardly work depending purely on her mood, loves animals, music (she sings), her mother, men (lol) – not necessarily in that order. She lives for today, loves her profession and owns over 200 pairs of shoes – yeah! Go figure. She’s bright and happy. Stubborn to the bone, but sees reason, is an absolute fool in love or even when she likes a guy – no wonder she’s been rejected 4 times already this year (24 turned out to be a douche bag so it wasn’t her fault at all, Mr Bhutan took her for a ride with a false promise, Café Guy is committed and doesn’t quite like her, and finally she totally effed things up with Mr Green Eyes – her favourite man by far).
Suffering from low self-esteem and weight issues, people haven’t been too kind to her, but it’s cool – to each his own! She was born to make a mark and a mark she shall make – time is of essence here, but she’s not going anywhere.
There is so much more to come. So until next time folks! Take care, keep smiling and keep reading ❤