The Girl In Silver Boots

So, the girl in silver boots – Who is she really?

Well that’s a question that I’ve pondered over a period and through the various phases of my life. I’ll try and answer it from a third person’s perspective. Easier that way!

For one, she’s tough! Not a girly girl and not a tom-boy! She’s soft-hearted but doesn’t melt easily and especially not over a fake show of emotions. She’s solid but hasn’t lost her ability to empathise. She’s very emotional, yet she tries to see through them. Tries hard not to let her emotions blind her in situations that need clarity and rational thinking. I could go on and on about her contradictions, end of the day – she’s just a girl trying to live her life in a not-so-easy world.

I don’t mean for things to sound dramatic or clichéd. I hate clichés! It’s me trying to figure myself out while I’m writing this at 9.30pm at my work place on a balmy night. There’s still much to learn and much to recognise about my abilities, qualities, strengths and weaknesses. Each day is a new learning experience. I surprise myself by a sound show of strength and shock myself by a horrifying display of anger – both during the length of the same day. Huh! Crazy right? Just to clarify before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I may be a borderline personality, or any other kind of personality written about in psychology books – I’m not or so I believe lol!

Much has been said and thought about me by people from near and far (I don’t mean distance here). That’s something which makes me very uncomfortable and sometimes extremely awkward in social settings. One of the reasons why I love my aloneness and my own company. Oh! I can be very annoying company for myself too. The constant obsessing over something or the other, the need for perfection even though I’m the farthest from being even close to perfect (I don’t think perfection exists though – just like heaven and hell – it’s just a qualitative word if I should say so).

That said, I do think a lot. Like I think so much and so deeply sometimes that it seems I’ve dug holes in my brain. The benefits of that is – things seep in faster but leave me with less brain space to utilise, hence ever so often, I distance myself from everything and just try to be – in the moment – no matter where I am. I am a work in progress, moving slowly, sometimes with a lot of confidence and sometimes with uncertainty.

I’m sure you all must be thinking – she can’t be all good. You’re right! I’m not. I can be a shark who bites peoples’ heads off, I can sink into a deep, dark well for months, I can lose my cool within seconds and my words can cut through a person like a razor-sharp knife. I’m sure I’ve burnt some people and made others bleed – but I am also the first one to apologise and make amends if possible. Certain situations trigger the worst in me, while some bring out the very best. I’m working on my problem areas.

Coming back to the third person perspective, the girl in silver boots is savvy, interesting, full of sarcasm and witty. She loves to work hard or hardly work depending purely on her mood, loves animals, music (she sings), her mother, men (lol) – not necessarily in that order. She lives for today, loves her profession and owns over 200 pairs of shoes – yeah! Go figure. She’s bright and happy. Stubborn to the bone, but sees reason, is an absolute fool in love or even when she likes a guy – no wonder she’s been rejected 4 times already this year (24 turned out to be a douche bag so it wasn’t her fault at all, Mr Bhutan took her for a ride with a false promise, Café Guy is committed and doesn’t quite like her, and finally she totally effed things up with Mr Green Eyes – her favourite man by far).

Suffering from low self-esteem and weight issues, people haven’t been too kind to her, but it’s cool – to each his own! She was born to make a mark and a mark she shall make – time is of essence here, but she’s not going anywhere.

There is so much more to come. So until next time folks! Take care, keep smiling and keep reading ❤

Cafe Guy

What is it about dark broody men that we like so much? There’s a definite air of mystery. A bit of melancholy and a whole lot of walls around them – at least that’s what I’ve observed.

I happened to come across a broody chap. Let’s call him Cafe guy. Physically he’s very pleasing to the eye – tallish, dark, strong with a whole lot of authority. I had the chance to hear him talk (to me as well as others) and to add to that oh so mysterious persona – he has the deep voice to match. Not the kind that would give one goose bumps but the kind that’s quiet and pleasing to the ears.

To make things clear – he’s not a friend (yet) and not a love interest. He’s just this guy who piqued my interest when I saw him the first time. Actually, his lack of socks with his shoes and his folded pants piqued my interest till I looked up at his face and thought hmm – someone looks pissed off! Lol

As a couple of weeks passed, I had fleeting chances to look at him around the cafe. Mind you, I would only go there for my coffee and cake slice (which I shouldn’t be having but that makes for another post). I found he liked to be alone when he could, never heard him talk in a loud voice, always swift with his management and ever so courteous! And definitely broody lol.

Spoke to him a few times too. I wasn’t disappointed. He does have a lot of walls around him like I mentioned before. Seems like the kind of guy who would care deeply and protect his loved ones fiercely. He also has that musician vibe to him you know. Either plays an instrument, sings or maybe just loves great music – I don’t know.

It’s kind of funny how I’m typing this on my phone and drumming my fingers on my cheek trying to think about all that I felt and saw. Now I may be totally wrong, but something tells me I’m not. Not with this guy. I would love to see him without his beard and moustache though (not that he can’t pull it off) – a trend that is slowly getting very tired and makes us women wish we could look at men without all that facial hair. But if you’re reading this Cafe guy – a stubble would be very you!

He’s got deep, dark, expressive eyes. They look straight at you! Like bam! Dang he’s looking! Duck lol. I’m just kidding. They smile when he does, pierce when he’s upset and are focused when he’s busy. So now that we’re on the physical attributes, let me say he has nice hands and forearms. Tastefully tattooed (love that as most men just go for the ugly butch tattoos or get their names on their arms as if they’re suffering from amnesia – eye roll x 2). That said, I’m not really a creep to be checking out other assets lol!

I wish I could reveal his identity so that more girls could visit the cafe and have a good look at him. That way the younger ones would be able to say that they finally got to see a man!





So this brings me to my second post of the Mr. Green Eyes series. I’m sure the ones who read the first one would be wondering who Mr. Green Eyes was and what exactly happened with him?

Well, as the not so subtle visual states – I got rejected! A term I don’t like to use because it’s really final, but I’m going to here as nothing better could describe my feeling. He rejected me on February 11th, 2018 so yes, I’m a little late in updating you guys lol.

How am I feeling? Well, at first, my blood ran cold and I just wanted to cuddle with my dog and sleep. I was shivering, but I picked myself up, went in for a scalding hot bath and dragged my arse to work – The happiest place on the planet – My work space!

A few people were over for meetings, so things were better than expected. Mr. Green Eyes texted me in the evening, but I asked him not to so that I could keep my promise to myself that I would move on as soon as I got my answers.

Some of my friends feel I aim too high. They think good-looking or handsome men aren’t for me as I suffer from weight issues. I too sometimes feel that I should have a good look in the mirror, see myself physically before I approach any guys because frankly, that’s the way the world sees me. Having a good personality or an empathetic nature are things of the past it seems. Anyhow, I know I’ll be hot again once I shed off the kilos, but till then I’ll take a break, keep a low profile and concentrate on taking my work and my company where they deserve to be.

Besides that, I’m not sad. Just disappointed. The tightness in my chest is gone and so is the constant anxiety I had when Green Eyes was around.

I guess every dog has his day and this bitch will have hers soon lol! As my rescue doggy taught me – Never Say Die (she came back from death twice) and Never Lose Hope! Two lessons I take very seriously.

So I will stay hopeful, happy and positive – another promise I made to myself. Can’t help but say – Optimistic much!?! I guess so lol


Mr. Green Eyes

There are times in life when one wants to write something aimless. I’m not sure if this is aimless, but I’ll try to keep it simple and honest.

I want to talk about the biggest woe in my life currently – the fact that I’ve been single for 8 years. To some of you it may seem weird or downright unhealthy, for me it was a way to observe, grow and figure out what I wanted in life and to be able to be settled and confident enough to enter the daunting world of dating.

I thought I’d start 2018 on a note different from all other years – a year where I’d go for what I wanted – be it a thing, a job or a man! Why sit around waiting for a guy to approach me. Heck! I’ll approach him. I even joined a dating app, met some nice men on there and then, not so nice ones, but that’s a part of life. Good and bad, ugly and beautiful, light and dark – all goes hand in hand.

If I were to get into specifics then I came across some incredible men I really liked. Now before anyone says you can’t judge a person without knowing them, then I agree but I’m slightly more organic in my approach. I understand and work on vibes, on observations (especially people I see everyday) – like this absolutely amazing guy I had a crush on since October of last year, who happens to manage the cafe right next door. I asked him out to coffee, he couldn’t, he’s committed but I can’t say I didn’t try. I can only imagine on the surface though, how lucky his girl is.

Couple of other guys here and there but nothing concrete till I came across Mr. Green Eyes. Yes that’s what I’m going to call him from now on for all events and purposes lol!

My eyes just teared up thinking about him, but in a good way (I can be an emotional fool sometimes). I understand various human feelings like attraction, lust, infatuation etc., but I don’t understand what it is I feel about him or feel for him. He seems just right you know! Like close to being perfect. I’m going all out for this guy but so far, it’s been a rough road where I’ve only managed to stumble and fall in his eyes. Those amazing Green eyes!

My gut feeling has never been wrong and it’s been telling me not to let go. That he may be the one. Is that too much pressure on a guy – Hell yeah! I think so, but I can’t seem to understand what he wants or needs for me to tweak my approach or interactions with him.

The strange thing is that I’m a very private person when it comes to matters of the heart, but here I am baring my innermost thoughts and my soul for this one guy.

I think it’s come to a point where perhaps this guy – Good ‘ol Green eyes and all my friends think I’m desperate. But! My reasoning is – if we can go after the jobs we want, the pet we want, even the dessert we want with our whole heart, then what’s wrong with me going after and making efforts for this guy. I’m not desperate, I’m just waiting on answers and the second I get them – positive or negative, I’ll carry on with my life – with or without him.

Well, here I am sitting on my cool couch in a gorgeous store wearing a short dress and silver boots with stockings (don’t judge me on this, I am a lover of fashion lol) holding onto a fountain pen (yes this was originally written by hand) and putting down my thoughts on this paper.

I’ve also realised that I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy. The days of hurting myself internally are long gone. I only live for today and if I’m alive then look forward to seeing tomorrow.

What am I looking for would perhaps be my next question and answer – I’m looking to share my wonderful life, my happy times, my achievements with a nice partner. A solid rock of a man who takes everything in his stride just like I do, but if he were to falter then he can be sure of my presence and stability to see him through. Does a man like that exist?

I happen to think so. I’ll be sitting here I guess, waiting and watching with my fingers crossed and with an open heart – ready to receive!