The end of the beginning of the end of Me!

(This post was written a month ago but I’m publishing it now)

It’s been a while since I’ve written physically although a lot of writing was going on in my head. You see my brain never rests, still I don’t lose weight lol. Anyhow I can’t say the last few months have been good because they’ve been the exact opposite. Yes a couple of good or beneficial things did happen but beyond that – nada!

There’s a lot I want to say but don’t know where to start, so let me just say that waiting for the end is getting tiring. You see, even when I hit rock bottom, I’m not one to hurt myself – physically. Mentally and emotionally are two very different parts of me – which frankly, have never recovered from the hurt.

Recently an another episode took place. A cab driver abused me verbally but his language (by law) constitutes sexual abuse. It’s not the abusive language that hit me – it was the way the fellow spoke to me. I’m a polite, bubbly person usually. Love wearing happy clothing and experimenting with makeup. I never fail to say thank you or please.

The unfortunate part is that I live in a city and society consisting of men who have such perverse preconceived notions about women who are tattooed, with funky hair etc., that I sometimes feel my end would be better than trying to live the life I’m currently living. Safety for women is non-existent. Eve-teasing and groping in a crowd are normal everyday actions we have to live with. Besides that, single women in their 30s are looked at like they are free for all since they aren’t married.

What to do? I’m running out of options. I’m constantly stressed in public, my panic attacks are getting worse and I’m ready to strangle any male who comes within 2 feet of me.

Is this a way to live? Not in the world I imagined. I was a girl with big dreams. Wanted to do so much. Now I go to work – if I can make it out of the house, hope that I make at least some money (the last 3 months have been awful) and hope come back home in one piece with a little peace of mind.

All I want is a quiet life – where silence prevails and peace is abundant!

Updated: 45 days on the police have not taken any action against the cab driver. I’m still well and kicking with new energy, as I prepare for new beginnings in my business and I promise, I’m not going to kill myself lol. I don’t have much to live for but I do have my dogs to look after. They are my responsibility and I’m not one to shirk the same.

Peace out people! Love and light to you ❤

Shambled Rambling!

So, I’ve been thinking for the past few days about a lot of things and all that has transpired since the beginning of this year – personally and emotionally. I’ve kind of begun to think that not everything is as great as it seems and sometimes we fall in love or like with the idea of someone or something and that somehow becomes huge in our heads. The trouble with that is that not only does it harm the tiny ray of hope that one may have in that situation, people start thinking there’s something wrong with the individual and that they may need to see a therapist. I’ve been told so on my face. Not a pleasant feeling at all.

So what does one do when faced with such self brought about conundrums and complications. My go to method used to be to totally cut off contact with such situations and people till I was indifferent enough to jump back into society and face the music. That isn’t an option now since I promote my business online and well, I really don’t want to cut off all contact with some overseas friends going through a divorce or some other personal problems. I’m happy to be a support to them and I love my friends to bits!

Step in the freaking dating apps – this time I swiped right on all the plus-sized and obese men (and I’m not talking about tinder, I’m not into hook-ups or flings for that matter), I also swiped right for all men between the ages of 40 and 50 – I can only throw my hands up and say – no matter what a guy looks like or whatever size he may be – they all want hot women!!! Figuring this out is just beyond me so you know what, I’m going to stop. Stop trying, stop understanding and just plain stop everything that may vaguely be debilitating to my self-esteem.

Talking about self-esteem – I think Blinkist is the best thing that has happened to me this year. Now I’m a voracious reader and I own books that can fill up a good-sized book store (I hate kindle so let’s not even go there) – I came across Blinkist – randomly! Guess it proves that when in dire straits – things you need the most come to you. So I’ve started to read up on building my self esteem, how to converse better, how to present myself to people better and last but not the least – how to have someone like me! That so far has been my toughest challenge.

So here I am in my stunning workplace, sipping on orange juice. Yeah got to see Cafe guy yet again – that’s where I get my freshly squeezed, tiny to-go glass of expensive orange juice. I should stock some in my refrigerator (eye roll). I don’t know. I think I’m going to look for some cool dancing classes and join one! I need a change!

That said, I just realised that this was a truly aimless post from me. We all have our not so sharp but deeply introspective days. Today was mine!

Love and Peace

Snarky Shark!

Okay so I’m going to dive into this one pretty quick. Men are always complaining about how profile pictures of women are oh so misleading because of makeup and picture editing apps etc.

That’s one of my grievances with men. Why do you guys have all that facial hair which makes you look so darn different from the other pictures you have on your profile? And, what is up with you guys posting pictures from like 10 years ago when age hadn’t caught up with you?

Let me not comment on the way you pose – in the car, outside the car, next to the pool, in the loo, just after a shower, on the bed (those fake bedroom eyes fool no one 🙄). Oh and did I mention the gym pictures? Yikes. Those are super scary. And if you’re looking to use photo editing apps – ask your wives or girlfriends or sisters (like we don’t know how many married men are on dating sites) to help you with the apps. The highest level of editing aka removing all lines from your face makes you look like Botox junkie lol.

Coming back to the married men – who are looking for ‘like minded friends (especially of the female kind) or to have meaningful conversations or to go for a movie/dinner/coffee/drives with’ on a freaking dating app. Come on – what do you take the world to be? Stupid? Spend that time you waste on an app with your better half and life might actually turn around for you.

For guys with man-boobs, please don’t wear spandex of any sort or a vest. Women don’t need competition in this area. Like really. All women aren’t well endowed just like all men aren’t. So……

To the rest of you, please take 5 minutes to write an interesting bio. No we don’t want to know how good you are under the covers, but we would love to know how your brains work and if you’re interesting enough for us to invest our time on you.

I apologise to the men who were hurt by this post, since my blog is about celebrating the Male kind but come on guys! You’re better than what you portray yourselves to be. At least some of you are. I mean it! And please coordinate shirts with pants, belts with shoes, socks with pants, do wear socks with all shoes other than loafers and take those stupid sunglasses off! You like looking at a woman’s eyes, well we like looking at yours.

Yeah I’m done here. You’re welcome!

Goodbye <3

So this is part 3 of the Mr. Green Eyes series. The final goodbye.

It kind of dawned on me a couple of days back (after an argument with Green Eyes and I trying to move on) that sometimes things just aren’t meant to be and the best way to let them go is by bowing down, and bidding a self respecting farewell.

There really is no point in stretching something when you know the person you like so much doesn’t have the same feelings for you and won’t either. I’m not being pessimistic here. A two time rejection is enough for one to know that things have run their course and the situation at hand should be left as is.

Funny thing is he still hasn’t deleted me. That was a tiny little knot I was holding on to, but that too unraveled with the argument, so here I am…again…writing about Mr. Green Eyes.

I’ll miss him. I am sad, but I’ll be fine. This too shall pass and this too is a part of life so I’m just going to live through it 😊

If you’re reading this Green Eyes, and if you feel the need to see me ever in life – you know where I am!

The Rajput

So what is it about some people that makes you want to go that extra mile or spend time and energy on them? We all know time is the most precious thing for anything with an expiry date – including ourselves, so this post is about The Rajput and my time!

I came across The Rajput on a dating app (not tinder – I have never been on tinder for the record lol). He seemed like a decent guy with normal pictures. Not the usual – posing in the gym where one can clearly see fabs instead of abs and the non-existent biceps. Oh and not to forget the posing next to a fancy car picture – usually with tacky sunglasses on. For those who haven’t been on a dating app and want to join one – swipe left to the men who post the above pictures. You’ll thank me later for that info lol

So he and I struck off well. A happy time indeed. He was quite a gorgeous specimen of the Male kind. Nice voice, deep eyes, tall – stood out like a warm blooded stallion in a room full of ponies!

Things were going well. Conversations flowed for a month or so. I really liked him. He had a stable job, didn’t come from too much money (which I like in a man), good education, well-mannered and clean lol. Yes I like clean men! Older than I for once, so the overall picture looked peachy. Until I decided to not be myself and told him I liked him. And…I…was…rejected. He wanted someone physically appealing and I happened to be a fat, but not an unfortunate looking girl – so…

Anyhow to each his own. There’s nothing wrong in wanting to be with someone hot or a girl who is physically fit. The problem arose when he and I stopped talking, and a year later, I found him on a social networking site and sent him a request.

Turns out he was living and working in a neighbouring country and doing quite well for himself. He accepted. I sent him a message – you know the works with my phone number. Much to my shock – he called! Said he was flying down and would be all mine for a day after he landed. So me being me – planned out a nice day. A day he would’ve enjoyed immensely if only he hadn’t stood me up lol. No surprise there I guess. It did seem too good to be true, you know.

So to cut a long story short – there was a message and an unfriending and finally this post. Good riddance or not, the fault lies with me I feel. I give away my time freely and keep giving people chances to prove me wrong over again, but that never happens. The warm blooded stallion reduced to a pony – what a waste! If only he knew the real meaning of receiving such a compliment. I thought he’d understand considering the little education I received about horses was from him!

So The Rajput – here I am spending another 20 minutes of my time, writing about you. Do you deserve this time – probably not, but like I said in the beginning, there are people whom we want to go an extra mile for – reasons unknown of course 😏. Someday you and I both, might get/understand our own parts! Until then – onto the next one…