Black hole!

So it turns out that even though I’m posting after a long time, and that the time I’ve spent in the past few days has been the best of my life. I saw Sunshine after almost 9 years (which makes for another blog post).

The reason why I’m writing with so much urgency this very early morning is because today might be the start of a really awful day for me. I suspected something and decided to ask one of the people whom I thought would be responsible for it only to feel like shit once again. Yeah I know no one can make you feel anything unless you are that or perceive yourself to be that, but there are times some people just trigger the worst in you. No matter what happens, they are just downright horrible with egos as big as the sun and darker than the deepest black holes!

I still feel bad when I say something mean to the person in question. I really don’t think it’s worth it. I don’t think he even deserves the E of my empathy, the U of my understanding or the N of me ever being nice to him.

That said, I’m going to sign off till I feel better and want to write something more positive.

Peace and love to you all and may you never come across a person like the fellow mentioned above.

 

 

Goodbye <3

So this is part 3 of the Mr. Green Eyes series. The final goodbye.

It kind of dawned on me a couple of days back (after an argument with Green Eyes and I trying to move on) that sometimes things just aren’t meant to be and the best way to let them go is by bowing down, and bidding a self respecting farewell.

There really is no point in stretching something when you know the person you like so much doesn’t have the same feelings for you and won’t either. I’m not being pessimistic here. A two time rejection is enough for one to know that things have run their course and the situation at hand should be left as is.

Funny thing is he still hasn’t deleted me. That was a tiny little knot I was holding on to, but that too unraveled with the argument, so here I am…again…writing about Mr. Green Eyes.

I’ll miss him. I am sad, but I’ll be fine. This too shall pass and this too is a part of life so I’m just going to live through it 😊

If you’re reading this Green Eyes, and if you feel the need to see me ever in life – you know where I am!

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So this brings me to my second post of the Mr. Green Eyes series. I’m sure the ones who read the first one would be wondering who Mr. Green Eyes was and what exactly happened with him?

Well, as the not so subtle visual states – I got rejected! A term I don’t like to use because it’s really final, but I’m going to here as nothing better could describe my feeling. He rejected me on February 11th, 2018 so yes, I’m a little late in updating you guys lol.

How am I feeling? Well, at first, my blood ran cold and I just wanted to cuddle with my dog and sleep. I was shivering, but I picked myself up, went in for a scalding hot bath and dragged my arse to work – The happiest place on the planet – My work space!

A few people were over for meetings, so things were better than expected. Mr. Green Eyes texted me in the evening, but I asked him not to so that I could keep my promise to myself that I would move on as soon as I got my answers.

Some of my friends feel I aim too high. They think good-looking or handsome men aren’t for me as I suffer from weight issues. I too sometimes feel that I should have a good look in the mirror, see myself physically before I approach any guys because frankly, that’s the way the world sees me. Having a good personality or an empathetic nature are things of the past it seems. Anyhow, I know I’ll be hot again once I shed off the kilos, but till then I’ll take a break, keep a low profile and concentrate on taking my work and my company where they deserve to be.

Besides that, I’m not sad. Just disappointed. The tightness in my chest is gone and so is the constant anxiety I had when Green Eyes was around.

I guess every dog has his day and this bitch will have hers soon lol! As my rescue doggy taught me – Never Say Die (she came back from death twice) and Never Lose Hope! Two lessons I take very seriously.

So I will stay hopeful, happy and positive – another promise I made to myself. Can’t help but say – Optimistic much!?! I guess so lol

 

Mr. Green Eyes

There are times in life when one wants to write something aimless. I’m not sure if this is aimless, but I’ll try to keep it simple and honest.

I want to talk about the biggest woe in my life currently – the fact that I’ve been single for 8 years. To some of you it may seem weird or downright unhealthy, for me it was a way to observe, grow and figure out what I wanted in life and to be able to be settled and confident enough to enter the daunting world of dating.

I thought I’d start 2018 on a note different from all other years – a year where I’d go for what I wanted – be it a thing, a job or a man! Why sit around waiting for a guy to approach me. Heck! I’ll approach him. I even joined a dating app, met some nice men on there and then, not so nice ones, but that’s a part of life. Good and bad, ugly and beautiful, light and dark – all goes hand in hand.

If I were to get into specifics then I came across some incredible men I really liked. Now before anyone says you can’t judge a person without knowing them, then I agree but I’m slightly more organic in my approach. I understand and work on vibes, on observations (especially people I see everyday) – like this absolutely amazing guy I had a crush on since October of last year, who happens to manage the cafe right next door. I asked him out to coffee, he couldn’t, he’s committed but I can’t say I didn’t try. I can only imagine on the surface though, how lucky his girl is.

Couple of other guys here and there but nothing concrete till I came across Mr. Green Eyes. Yes that’s what I’m going to call him from now on for all events and purposes lol!

My eyes just teared up thinking about him, but in a good way (I can be an emotional fool sometimes). I understand various human feelings like attraction, lust, infatuation etc., but I don’t understand what it is I feel about him or feel for him. He seems just right you know! Like close to being perfect. I’m going all out for this guy but so far, it’s been a rough road where I’ve only managed to stumble and fall in his eyes. Those amazing Green eyes!

My gut feeling has never been wrong and it’s been telling me not to let go. That he may be the one. Is that too much pressure on a guy – Hell yeah! I think so, but I can’t seem to understand what he wants or needs for me to tweak my approach or interactions with him.

The strange thing is that I’m a very private person when it comes to matters of the heart, but here I am baring my innermost thoughts and my soul for this one guy.

I think it’s come to a point where perhaps this guy – Good ‘ol Green eyes and all my friends think I’m desperate. But! My reasoning is – if we can go after the jobs we want, the pet we want, even the dessert we want with our whole heart, then what’s wrong with me going after and making efforts for this guy. I’m not desperate, I’m just waiting on answers and the second I get them – positive or negative, I’ll carry on with my life – with or without him.

Well, here I am sitting on my cool couch in a gorgeous store wearing a short dress and silver boots with stockings (don’t judge me on this, I am a lover of fashion lol) holding onto a fountain pen (yes this was originally written by hand) and putting down my thoughts on this paper.

I’ve also realised that I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy. The days of hurting myself internally are long gone. I only live for today and if I’m alive then look forward to seeing tomorrow.

What am I looking for would perhaps be my next question and answer – I’m looking to share my wonderful life, my happy times, my achievements with a nice partner. A solid rock of a man who takes everything in his stride just like I do, but if he were to falter then he can be sure of my presence and stability to see him through. Does a man like that exist?

I happen to think so. I’ll be sitting here I guess, waiting and watching with my fingers crossed and with an open heart – ready to receive!