The end of the beginning of the end of Me!

(This post was written a month ago but I’m publishing it now)

It’s been a while since I’ve written physically although a lot of writing was going on in my head. You see my brain never rests, still I don’t lose weight lol. Anyhow I can’t say the last few months have been good because they’ve been the exact opposite. Yes a couple of good or beneficial things did happen but beyond that – nada!

There’s a lot I want to say but don’t know where to start, so let me just say that waiting for the end is getting tiring. You see, even when I hit rock bottom, I’m not one to hurt myself – physically. Mentally and emotionally are two very different parts of me – which frankly, have never recovered from the hurt.

Recently an another episode took place. A cab driver abused me verbally but his language (by law) constitutes sexual abuse. It’s not the abusive language that hit me – it was the way the fellow spoke to me. I’m a polite, bubbly person usually. Love wearing happy clothing and experimenting with makeup. I never fail to say thank you or please.

The unfortunate part is that I live in a city and society consisting of men who have such perverse preconceived notions about women who are tattooed, with funky hair etc., that I sometimes feel my end would be better than trying to live the life I’m currently living. Safety for women is non-existent. Eve-teasing and groping in a crowd are normal everyday actions we have to live with. Besides that, single women in their 30s are looked at like they are free for all since they aren’t married.

What to do? I’m running out of options. I’m constantly stressed in public, my panic attacks are getting worse and I’m ready to strangle any male who comes within 2 feet of me.

Is this a way to live? Not in the world I imagined. I was a girl with big dreams. Wanted to do so much. Now I go to work – if I can make it out of the house, hope that I make at least some money (the last 3 months have been awful) and hope come back home in one piece with a little peace of mind.

All I want is a quiet life – where silence prevails and peace is abundant!

Updated: 45 days on the police have not taken any action against the cab driver. I’m still well and kicking with new energy, as I prepare for new beginnings in my business and I promise, I’m not going to kill myself lol. I don’t have much to live for but I do have my dogs to look after. They are my responsibility and I’m not one to shirk the same.

Peace out people! Love and light to you ❤

A long way to ME TOO!

I’m going to dive into this quick. The geographical region I belong to isn’t really ready for the #metoo movement. Yes, celebrities are being called out – some correctly and some being weighed down under a web of lies twisted by some female attention seekers. Are the stories true is the big question!

From a personal level. all I can say is that no one cares. I posted my story – four people I know read it! Three of my countrymen/women – well they stopped talking to me, especially the crush in question. The family member was only interested to know who all could read my story and what it would do to the family’s image. The only supportive reply I received was from my internet mom for all events and purposes living in Birmingham. A wonderful English lady with a heart of gold. I’m not saying that because she was supportive of what I’d written, I’m saying it because she really is an amazing person!

It sure is fashionable to be in step with the times, but do most people know what abuse is about?!?! Well for starters, it’s not a joke. It’s not a game. And! It certainly isn’t an attention seekers place to be!

That said, my post which is now only etched in my brain and deleted for the world – will never see the light of day. I might write about it again when I see a shift in mindsets. Till then, it’s just me and I’m alone!

Love and peace!

Fat? Yes? Read on!

If you’re a plus sized woman and you’re looking to find a partner, but haven’t had any luck at all – here’s what you need to know. From one fat girl to another – and no I don’t endorse the word fat but still wanted to use it as it hits harder than the politically correct ‘plus-sized’

Welcome to my world!

Dating 101 for Fat girls in my country:

Lesson 1 – Don’t think a guy is nice until he’s actually nice to you for a while

Lesson 2 – Work on being skinny or thin cause your personality doesn’t count for anything

Lesson 3 – Looks aren’t important. Only a tight bum and well-formed boobs (a guy’s language not mine) make all the difference

Lesson 4 – Don’t ever tell a guy you like him till he tells you the same a few times first

Lesson 5 – Please don’t waste time perfecting your speech or going to finishing school. Men don’t care as long as you can wear a short dress and look hot

Lesson 6 – I know the above to have exceptions but most fat girls aren’t exceptions so don’t wait to be one

Lesson 7 – If a guy you like asks you about your hot, single friends, dump him right there. The end to this is never pleasant

More to come as I figure things out, hopefully without experiencing them first hand lol.

Peace and Love ❤

Black hole!

So it turns out that even though I’m posting after a long time, and that the time I’ve spent in the past few days has been the best of my life. I saw Sunshine after almost 9 years (which makes for another blog post).

The reason why I’m writing with so much urgency this very early morning is because today might be the start of a really awful day for me. I suspected something and decided to ask one of the people whom I thought would be responsible for it only to feel like shit once again. Yeah I know no one can make you feel anything unless you are that or perceive yourself to be that, but there are times some people just trigger the worst in you. No matter what happens, they are just downright horrible with egos as big as the sun and darker than the deepest black holes!

I still feel bad when I say something mean to the person in question. I really don’t think it’s worth it. I don’t think he even deserves the E of my empathy, the U of my understanding or the N of me ever being nice to him.

That said, I’m going to sign off till I feel better and want to write something more positive.

Peace and love to you all and may you never come across a person like the fellow mentioned above.

 

 

I want….

Okay. So this post is a bit mental lol. I just feel like writing about the things I want. Like now!

For starters, I want Cafe guy gone. I used to think it would be nice to see him at the cafe everyday but it’s not. It’s awkward and so many times I want to lounge around there with my laptop or get a meal but every darn thing has to be – TO GO!

Then I want a really cool carpenter who can make my vision of an awesome display table come to life.

I want to forget about Green Eyes. They’ve haunted me enough and I want that image of his eyes and lips gone for good.

I want my website launch party to be snazzy and a huge success, and then I want lots of orders from the website as well.

I want to stop being a lazy bum and finish content writing for my site. Yeah, I was anal enough to take on that mammoth task as I hate bad English on websites. Makes my brain go into auto correct mode which can be exhausting.

I want to start dancing and lose like a crazy amount of weight. I love the S/S 18 fashion lines and I want to own them all lol.

I want my hair to grow and then I want a cool hairstyle done! Maybe a complete makeover once I’m done losing weight.

I want to meet a really nice guy!

And last but not the least, I want a fully functional, beautifully restored 1961 Bug with racing stripes and white rimmed wheels ❤

Not asking for much actually lol. Peace out!