The end of the beginning of the end of Me!

(This post was written a month ago but I’m publishing it now)

It’s been a while since I’ve written physically although a lot of writing was going on in my head. You see my brain never rests, still I don’t lose weight lol. Anyhow I can’t say the last few months have been good because they’ve been the exact opposite. Yes a couple of good or beneficial things did happen but beyond that – nada!

There’s a lot I want to say but don’t know where to start, so let me just say that waiting for the end is getting tiring. You see, even when I hit rock bottom, I’m not one to hurt myself – physically. Mentally and emotionally are two very different parts of me – which frankly, have never recovered from the hurt.

Recently an another episode took place. A cab driver abused me verbally but his language (by law) constitutes sexual abuse. It’s not the abusive language that hit me – it was the way the fellow spoke to me. I’m a polite, bubbly person usually. Love wearing happy clothing and experimenting with makeup. I never fail to say thank you or please.

The unfortunate part is that I live in a city and society consisting of men who have such perverse preconceived notions about women who are tattooed, with funky hair etc., that I sometimes feel my end would be better than trying to live the life I’m currently living. Safety for women is non-existent. Eve-teasing and groping in a crowd are normal everyday actions we have to live with. Besides that, single women in their 30s are looked at like they are free for all since they aren’t married.

What to do? I’m running out of options. I’m constantly stressed in public, my panic attacks are getting worse and I’m ready to strangle any male who comes within 2 feet of me.

Is this a way to live? Not in the world I imagined. I was a girl with big dreams. Wanted to do so much. Now I go to work – if I can make it out of the house, hope that I make at least some money (the last 3 months have been awful) and hope come back home in one piece with a little peace of mind.

All I want is a quiet life – where silence prevails and peace is abundant!

Updated: 45 days on the police have not taken any action against the cab driver. I’m still well and kicking with new energy, as I prepare for new beginnings in my business and I promise, I’m not going to kill myself lol. I don’t have much to live for but I do have my dogs to look after. They are my responsibility and I’m not one to shirk the same.

Peace out people! Love and light to you ❤

A long way to ME TOO!

I’m going to dive into this quick. The geographical region I belong to isn’t really ready for the #metoo movement. Yes, celebrities are being called out – some correctly and some being weighed down under a web of lies twisted by some female attention seekers. Are the stories true is the big question!

From a personal level. all I can say is that no one cares. I posted my story – four people I know read it! Three of my countrymen/women – well they stopped talking to me, especially the crush in question. The family member was only interested to know who all could read my story and what it would do to the family’s image. The only supportive reply I received was from my internet mom for all events and purposes living in Birmingham. A wonderful English lady with a heart of gold. I’m not saying that because she was supportive of what I’d written, I’m saying it because she really is an amazing person!

It sure is fashionable to be in step with the times, but do most people know what abuse is about?!?! Well for starters, it’s not a joke. It’s not a game. And! It certainly isn’t an attention seekers place to be!

That said, my post which is now only etched in my brain and deleted for the world – will never see the light of day. I might write about it again when I see a shift in mindsets. Till then, it’s just me and I’m alone!

Love and peace!

Black hole!

So it turns out that even though I’m posting after a long time, and that the time I’ve spent in the past few days has been the best of my life. I saw Sunshine after almost 9 years (which makes for another blog post).

The reason why I’m writing with so much urgency this very early morning is because today might be the start of a really awful day for me. I suspected something and decided to ask one of the people whom I thought would be responsible for it only to feel like shit once again. Yeah I know no one can make you feel anything unless you are that or perceive yourself to be that, but there are times some people just trigger the worst in you. No matter what happens, they are just downright horrible with egos as big as the sun and darker than the deepest black holes!

I still feel bad when I say something mean to the person in question. I really don’t think it’s worth it. I don’t think he even deserves the E of my empathy, the U of my understanding or the N of me ever being nice to him.

That said, I’m going to sign off till I feel better and want to write something more positive.

Peace and love to you all and may you never come across a person like the fellow mentioned above.

 

 

The Girl In Silver Boots

So, the girl in silver boots – Who is she really?

Well that’s a question that I’ve pondered over a period and through the various phases of my life. I’ll try and answer it from a third person’s perspective. Easier that way!

For one, she’s tough! Not a girly girl and not a tom-boy! She’s soft-hearted but doesn’t melt easily and especially not over a fake show of emotions. She’s solid but hasn’t lost her ability to empathise. She’s very emotional, yet she tries to see through them. Tries hard not to let her emotions blind her in situations that need clarity and rational thinking. I could go on and on about her contradictions, end of the day – she’s just a girl trying to live her life in a not-so-easy world.

I don’t mean for things to sound dramatic or clichéd. I hate clichés! It’s me trying to figure myself out while I’m writing this at 9.30pm at my work place on a balmy night. There’s still much to learn and much to recognise about my abilities, qualities, strengths and weaknesses. Each day is a new learning experience. I surprise myself by a sound show of strength and shock myself by a horrifying display of anger – both during the length of the same day. Huh! Crazy right? Just to clarify before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I may be a borderline personality, or any other kind of personality written about in psychology books – I’m not or so I believe lol!

Much has been said and thought about me by people from near and far (I don’t mean distance here). That’s something which makes me very uncomfortable and sometimes extremely awkward in social settings. One of the reasons why I love my aloneness and my own company. Oh! I can be very annoying company for myself too. The constant obsessing over something or the other, the need for perfection even though I’m the farthest from being even close to perfect (I don’t think perfection exists though – just like heaven and hell – it’s just a qualitative word if I should say so).

That said, I do think a lot. Like I think so much and so deeply sometimes that it seems I’ve dug holes in my brain. The benefits of that is – things seep in faster but leave me with less brain space to utilise, hence ever so often, I distance myself from everything and just try to be – in the moment – no matter where I am. I am a work in progress, moving slowly, sometimes with a lot of confidence and sometimes with uncertainty.

I’m sure you all must be thinking – she can’t be all good. You’re right! I’m not. I can be a shark who bites peoples’ heads off, I can sink into a deep, dark well for months, I can lose my cool within seconds and my words can cut through a person like a razor-sharp knife. I’m sure I’ve burnt some people and made others bleed – but I am also the first one to apologise and make amends if possible. Certain situations trigger the worst in me, while some bring out the very best. I’m working on my problem areas.

Coming back to the third person perspective, the girl in silver boots is savvy, interesting, full of sarcasm and witty. She loves to work hard or hardly work depending purely on her mood, loves animals, music (she sings), her mother, men (lol) – not necessarily in that order. She lives for today, loves her profession and owns over 200 pairs of shoes – yeah! Go figure. She’s bright and happy. Stubborn to the bone, but sees reason, is an absolute fool in love or even when she likes a guy – no wonder she’s been rejected 4 times already this year (24 turned out to be a douche bag so it wasn’t her fault at all, Mr Bhutan took her for a ride with a false promise, Café Guy is committed and doesn’t quite like her, and finally she totally effed things up with Mr Green Eyes – her favourite man by far).

Suffering from low self-esteem and weight issues, people haven’t been too kind to her, but it’s cool – to each his own! She was born to make a mark and a mark she shall make – time is of essence here, but she’s not going anywhere.

There is so much more to come. So until next time folks! Take care, keep smiling and keep reading ❤

Cafe Guy

What is it about dark broody men that we like so much? There’s a definite air of mystery. A bit of melancholy and a whole lot of walls around them – at least that’s what I’ve observed.

I happened to come across a broody chap. Let’s call him Cafe guy. Physically he’s very pleasing to the eye – tallish, dark, strong with a whole lot of authority. I had the chance to hear him talk (to me as well as others) and to add to that oh so mysterious persona – he has the deep voice to match. Not the kind that would give one goose bumps but the kind that’s quiet and pleasing to the ears.

To make things clear – he’s not a friend (yet) and not a love interest. He’s just this guy who piqued my interest when I saw him the first time. Actually, his lack of socks with his shoes and his folded pants piqued my interest till I looked up at his face and thought hmm – someone looks pissed off! Lol

As a couple of weeks passed, I had fleeting chances to look at him around the cafe. Mind you, I would only go there for my coffee and cake slice (which I shouldn’t be having but that makes for another post). I found he liked to be alone when he could, never heard him talk in a loud voice, always swift with his management and ever so courteous! And definitely broody lol.

Spoke to him a few times too. I wasn’t disappointed. He does have a lot of walls around him like I mentioned before. Seems like the kind of guy who would care deeply and protect his loved ones fiercely. He also has that musician vibe to him you know. Either plays an instrument, sings or maybe just loves great music – I don’t know.

It’s kind of funny how I’m typing this on my phone and drumming my fingers on my cheek trying to think about all that I felt and saw. Now I may be totally wrong, but something tells me I’m not. Not with this guy. I would love to see him without his beard and moustache though (not that he can’t pull it off) – a trend that is slowly getting very tired and makes us women wish we could look at men without all that facial hair. But if you’re reading this Cafe guy – a stubble would be very you!

He’s got deep, dark, expressive eyes. They look straight at you! Like bam! Dang he’s looking! Duck lol. I’m just kidding. They smile when he does, pierce when he’s upset and are focused when he’s busy. So now that we’re on the physical attributes, let me say he has nice hands and forearms. Tastefully tattooed (love that as most men just go for the ugly butch tattoos or get their names on their arms as if they’re suffering from amnesia – eye roll x 2). That said, I’m not really a creep to be checking out other assets lol!

I wish I could reveal his identity so that more girls could visit the cafe and have a good look at him. That way the younger ones would be able to say that they finally got to see a man!