The end of the beginning of the end of Me!

(This post was written a month ago but I’m publishing it now)

It’s been a while since I’ve written physically although a lot of writing was going on in my head. You see my brain never rests, still I don’t lose weight lol. Anyhow I can’t say the last few months have been good because they’ve been the exact opposite. Yes a couple of good or beneficial things did happen but beyond that – nada!

There’s a lot I want to say but don’t know where to start, so let me just say that waiting for the end is getting tiring. You see, even when I hit rock bottom, I’m not one to hurt myself – physically. Mentally and emotionally are two very different parts of me – which frankly, have never recovered from the hurt.

Recently an another episode took place. A cab driver abused me verbally but his language (by law) constitutes sexual abuse. It’s not the abusive language that hit me – it was the way the fellow spoke to me. I’m a polite, bubbly person usually. Love wearing happy clothing and experimenting with makeup. I never fail to say thank you or please.

The unfortunate part is that I live in a city and society consisting of men who have such perverse preconceived notions about women who are tattooed, with funky hair etc., that I sometimes feel my end would be better than trying to live the life I’m currently living. Safety for women is non-existent. Eve-teasing and groping in a crowd are normal everyday actions we have to live with. Besides that, single women in their 30s are looked at like they are free for all since they aren’t married.

What to do? I’m running out of options. I’m constantly stressed in public, my panic attacks are getting worse and I’m ready to strangle any male who comes within 2 feet of me.

Is this a way to live? Not in the world I imagined. I was a girl with big dreams. Wanted to do so much. Now I go to work – if I can make it out of the house, hope that I make at least some money (the last 3 months have been awful) and hope come back home in one piece with a little peace of mind.

All I want is a quiet life – where silence prevails and peace is abundant!

Updated: 45 days on the police have not taken any action against the cab driver. I’m still well and kicking with new energy, as I prepare for new beginnings in my business and I promise, I’m not going to kill myself lol. I don’t have much to live for but I do have my dogs to look after. They are my responsibility and I’m not one to shirk the same.

Peace out people! Love and light to you ❤

Black hole!

So it turns out that even though I’m posting after a long time, and that the time I’ve spent in the past few days has been the best of my life. I saw Sunshine after almost 9 years (which makes for another blog post).

The reason why I’m writing with so much urgency this very early morning is because today might be the start of a really awful day for me. I suspected something and decided to ask one of the people whom I thought would be responsible for it only to feel like shit once again. Yeah I know no one can make you feel anything unless you are that or perceive yourself to be that, but there are times some people just trigger the worst in you. No matter what happens, they are just downright horrible with egos as big as the sun and darker than the deepest black holes!

I still feel bad when I say something mean to the person in question. I really don’t think it’s worth it. I don’t think he even deserves the E of my empathy, the U of my understanding or the N of me ever being nice to him.

That said, I’m going to sign off till I feel better and want to write something more positive.

Peace and love to you all and may you never come across a person like the fellow mentioned above.

 

 

Shambled Rambling!

So, I’ve been thinking for the past few days about a lot of things and all that has transpired since the beginning of this year – personally and emotionally. I’ve kind of begun to think that not everything is as great as it seems and sometimes we fall in love or like with the idea of someone or something and that somehow becomes huge in our heads. The trouble with that is that not only does it harm the tiny ray of hope that one may have in that situation, people start thinking there’s something wrong with the individual and that they may need to see a therapist. I’ve been told so on my face. Not a pleasant feeling at all.

So what does one do when faced with such self brought about conundrums and complications. My go to method used to be to totally cut off contact with such situations and people till I was indifferent enough to jump back into society and face the music. That isn’t an option now since I promote my business online and well, I really don’t want to cut off all contact with some overseas friends going through a divorce or some other personal problems. I’m happy to be a support to them and I love my friends to bits!

Step in the freaking dating apps – this time I swiped right on all the plus-sized and obese men (and I’m not talking about tinder, I’m not into hook-ups or flings for that matter), I also swiped right for all men between the ages of 40 and 50 – I can only throw my hands up and say – no matter what a guy looks like or whatever size he may be – they all want hot women!!! Figuring this out is just beyond me so you know what, I’m going to stop. Stop trying, stop understanding and just plain stop everything that may vaguely be debilitating to my self-esteem.

Talking about self-esteem – I think Blinkist is the best thing that has happened to me this year. Now I’m a voracious reader and I own books that can fill up a good-sized book store (I hate kindle so let’s not even go there) – I came across Blinkist – randomly! Guess it proves that when in dire straits – things you need the most come to you. So I’ve started to read up on building my self esteem, how to converse better, how to present myself to people better and last but not the least – how to have someone like me! That so far has been my toughest challenge.

So here I am in my stunning workplace, sipping on orange juice. Yeah got to see Cafe guy yet again – that’s where I get my freshly squeezed, tiny to-go glass of expensive orange juice. I should stock some in my refrigerator (eye roll). I don’t know. I think I’m going to look for some cool dancing classes and join one! I need a change!

That said, I just realised that this was a truly aimless post from me. We all have our not so sharp but deeply introspective days. Today was mine!

Love and Peace