The end of the beginning of the end of Me!

(This post was written a month ago but I’m publishing it now)

It’s been a while since I’ve written physically although a lot of writing was going on in my head. You see my brain never rests, still I don’t lose weight lol. Anyhow I can’t say the last few months have been good because they’ve been the exact opposite. Yes a couple of good or beneficial things did happen but beyond that – nada!

There’s a lot I want to say but don’t know where to start, so let me just say that waiting for the end is getting tiring. You see, even when I hit rock bottom, I’m not one to hurt myself – physically. Mentally and emotionally are two very different parts of me – which frankly, have never recovered from the hurt.

Recently an another episode took place. A cab driver abused me verbally but his language (by law) constitutes sexual abuse. It’s not the abusive language that hit me – it was the way the fellow spoke to me. I’m a polite, bubbly person usually. Love wearing happy clothing and experimenting with makeup. I never fail to say thank you or please.

The unfortunate part is that I live in a city and society consisting of men who have such perverse preconceived notions about women who are tattooed, with funky hair etc., that I sometimes feel my end would be better than trying to live the life I’m currently living. Safety for women is non-existent. Eve-teasing and groping in a crowd are normal everyday actions we have to live with. Besides that, single women in their 30s are looked at like they are free for all since they aren’t married.

What to do? I’m running out of options. I’m constantly stressed in public, my panic attacks are getting worse and I’m ready to strangle any male who comes within 2 feet of me.

Is this a way to live? Not in the world I imagined. I was a girl with big dreams. Wanted to do so much. Now I go to work – if I can make it out of the house, hope that I make at least some money (the last 3 months have been awful) and hope come back home in one piece with a little peace of mind.

All I want is a quiet life – where silence prevails and peace is abundant!

Updated: 45 days on the police have not taken any action against the cab driver. I’m still well and kicking with new energy, as I prepare for new beginnings in my business and I promise, I’m not going to kill myself lol. I don’t have much to live for but I do have my dogs to look after. They are my responsibility and I’m not one to shirk the same.

Peace out people! Love and light to you ❤

Fat? Yes? Read on!

If you’re a plus sized woman and you’re looking to find a partner, but haven’t had any luck at all – here’s what you need to know. From one fat girl to another – and no I don’t endorse the word fat but still wanted to use it as it hits harder than the politically correct ‘plus-sized’

Welcome to my world!

Dating 101 for Fat girls in my country:

Lesson 1 – Don’t think a guy is nice until he’s actually nice to you for a while

Lesson 2 – Work on being skinny or thin cause your personality doesn’t count for anything

Lesson 3 – Looks aren’t important. Only a tight bum and well-formed boobs (a guy’s language not mine) make all the difference

Lesson 4 – Don’t ever tell a guy you like him till he tells you the same a few times first

Lesson 5 – Please don’t waste time perfecting your speech or going to finishing school. Men don’t care as long as you can wear a short dress and look hot

Lesson 6 – I know the above to have exceptions but most fat girls aren’t exceptions so don’t wait to be one

Lesson 7 – If a guy you like asks you about your hot, single friends, dump him right there. The end to this is never pleasant

More to come as I figure things out, hopefully without experiencing them first hand lol.

Peace and Love ❤

Black hole!

So it turns out that even though I’m posting after a long time, and that the time I’ve spent in the past few days has been the best of my life. I saw Sunshine after almost 9 years (which makes for another blog post).

The reason why I’m writing with so much urgency this very early morning is because today might be the start of a really awful day for me. I suspected something and decided to ask one of the people whom I thought would be responsible for it only to feel like shit once again. Yeah I know no one can make you feel anything unless you are that or perceive yourself to be that, but there are times some people just trigger the worst in you. No matter what happens, they are just downright horrible with egos as big as the sun and darker than the deepest black holes!

I still feel bad when I say something mean to the person in question. I really don’t think it’s worth it. I don’t think he even deserves the E of my empathy, the U of my understanding or the N of me ever being nice to him.

That said, I’m going to sign off till I feel better and want to write something more positive.

Peace and love to you all and may you never come across a person like the fellow mentioned above.

 

 

Goodbye <3

So this is part 3 of the Mr. Green Eyes series. The final goodbye.

It kind of dawned on me a couple of days back (after an argument with Green Eyes and I trying to move on) that sometimes things just aren’t meant to be and the best way to let them go is by bowing down, and bidding a self respecting farewell.

There really is no point in stretching something when you know the person you like so much doesn’t have the same feelings for you and won’t either. I’m not being pessimistic here. A two time rejection is enough for one to know that things have run their course and the situation at hand should be left as is.

Funny thing is he still hasn’t deleted me. That was a tiny little knot I was holding on to, but that too unraveled with the argument, so here I am…again…writing about Mr. Green Eyes.

I’ll miss him. I am sad, but I’ll be fine. This too shall pass and this too is a part of life so I’m just going to live through it 😊

If you’re reading this Green Eyes, and if you feel the need to see me ever in life – you know where I am!

The Rajput

So what is it about some people that makes you want to go that extra mile or spend time and energy on them? We all know time is the most precious thing for anything with an expiry date – including ourselves, so this post is about The Rajput and my time!

I came across The Rajput on a dating app (not tinder – I have never been on tinder for the record lol). He seemed like a decent guy with normal pictures. Not the usual – posing in the gym where one can clearly see fabs instead of abs and the non-existent biceps. Oh and not to forget the posing next to a fancy car picture – usually with tacky sunglasses on. For those who haven’t been on a dating app and want to join one – swipe left to the men who post the above pictures. You’ll thank me later for that info lol

So he and I struck off well. A happy time indeed. He was quite a gorgeous specimen of the Male kind. Nice voice, deep eyes, tall – stood out like a warm blooded stallion in a room full of ponies!

Things were going well. Conversations flowed for a month or so. I really liked him. He had a stable job, didn’t come from too much money (which I like in a man), good education, well-mannered and clean lol. Yes I like clean men! Older than I for once, so the overall picture looked peachy. Until I decided to not be myself and told him I liked him. And…I…was…rejected. He wanted someone physically appealing and I happened to be a fat, but not an unfortunate looking girl – so…

Anyhow to each his own. There’s nothing wrong in wanting to be with someone hot or a girl who is physically fit. The problem arose when he and I stopped talking, and a year later, I found him on a social networking site and sent him a request.

Turns out he was living and working in a neighbouring country and doing quite well for himself. He accepted. I sent him a message – you know the works with my phone number. Much to my shock – he called! Said he was flying down and would be all mine for a day after he landed. So me being me – planned out a nice day. A day he would’ve enjoyed immensely if only he hadn’t stood me up lol. No surprise there I guess. It did seem too good to be true, you know.

So to cut a long story short – there was a message and an unfriending and finally this post. Good riddance or not, the fault lies with me I feel. I give away my time freely and keep giving people chances to prove me wrong over again, but that never happens. The warm blooded stallion reduced to a pony – what a waste! If only he knew the real meaning of receiving such a compliment. I thought he’d understand considering the little education I received about horses was from him!

So The Rajput – here I am spending another 20 minutes of my time, writing about you. Do you deserve this time – probably not, but like I said in the beginning, there are people whom we want to go an extra mile for – reasons unknown of course 😏. Someday you and I both, might get/understand our own parts! Until then – onto the next one…

The Girl In Silver Boots

So, the girl in silver boots – Who is she really?

Well that’s a question that I’ve pondered over a period and through the various phases of my life. I’ll try and answer it from a third person’s perspective. Easier that way!

For one, she’s tough! Not a girly girl and not a tom-boy! She’s soft-hearted but doesn’t melt easily and especially not over a fake show of emotions. She’s solid but hasn’t lost her ability to empathise. She’s very emotional, yet she tries to see through them. Tries hard not to let her emotions blind her in situations that need clarity and rational thinking. I could go on and on about her contradictions, end of the day – she’s just a girl trying to live her life in a not-so-easy world.

I don’t mean for things to sound dramatic or clichéd. I hate clichés! It’s me trying to figure myself out while I’m writing this at 9.30pm at my work place on a balmy night. There’s still much to learn and much to recognise about my abilities, qualities, strengths and weaknesses. Each day is a new learning experience. I surprise myself by a sound show of strength and shock myself by a horrifying display of anger – both during the length of the same day. Huh! Crazy right? Just to clarify before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I may be a borderline personality, or any other kind of personality written about in psychology books – I’m not or so I believe lol!

Much has been said and thought about me by people from near and far (I don’t mean distance here). That’s something which makes me very uncomfortable and sometimes extremely awkward in social settings. One of the reasons why I love my aloneness and my own company. Oh! I can be very annoying company for myself too. The constant obsessing over something or the other, the need for perfection even though I’m the farthest from being even close to perfect (I don’t think perfection exists though – just like heaven and hell – it’s just a qualitative word if I should say so).

That said, I do think a lot. Like I think so much and so deeply sometimes that it seems I’ve dug holes in my brain. The benefits of that is – things seep in faster but leave me with less brain space to utilise, hence ever so often, I distance myself from everything and just try to be – in the moment – no matter where I am. I am a work in progress, moving slowly, sometimes with a lot of confidence and sometimes with uncertainty.

I’m sure you all must be thinking – she can’t be all good. You’re right! I’m not. I can be a shark who bites peoples’ heads off, I can sink into a deep, dark well for months, I can lose my cool within seconds and my words can cut through a person like a razor-sharp knife. I’m sure I’ve burnt some people and made others bleed – but I am also the first one to apologise and make amends if possible. Certain situations trigger the worst in me, while some bring out the very best. I’m working on my problem areas.

Coming back to the third person perspective, the girl in silver boots is savvy, interesting, full of sarcasm and witty. She loves to work hard or hardly work depending purely on her mood, loves animals, music (she sings), her mother, men (lol) – not necessarily in that order. She lives for today, loves her profession and owns over 200 pairs of shoes – yeah! Go figure. She’s bright and happy. Stubborn to the bone, but sees reason, is an absolute fool in love or even when she likes a guy – no wonder she’s been rejected 4 times already this year (24 turned out to be a douche bag so it wasn’t her fault at all, Mr Bhutan took her for a ride with a false promise, Café Guy is committed and doesn’t quite like her, and finally she totally effed things up with Mr Green Eyes – her favourite man by far).

Suffering from low self-esteem and weight issues, people haven’t been too kind to her, but it’s cool – to each his own! She was born to make a mark and a mark she shall make – time is of essence here, but she’s not going anywhere.

There is so much more to come. So until next time folks! Take care, keep smiling and keep reading ❤